A Modest Proposal for the Chemical Enhancement of the Human Species
Being a Practical Guide to Post-Pandemic Bio-Retrofitting/Elimination of Microbial Tyranny Through Genetic Improvement
Preface
Having observed with great alarm the recent pestilence known vulgarly as Bat-stew ‘Flu that swept our globe like wildfire through dry stubble, bringing low both prince and pauper with equal disdain for station or virtue, I am compelled by duty to humanity to propose certain improvements to our natural constitution. That we should continue to rely upon external chemical applications for our protection against microscopic adversaries, when Nature herself has provided superior solutions in creatures no larger than rice grains, strikes me as the height of folly.
What I propose herein is neither fanciful speculation nor idle philosophy, but a practical program for the betterment of our species through the incorporation of proven biological technologies already perfected by our arthropod superiors.
Chapter I: Of Formic Acid and Its Manifold Applications to Personal Hygiene
The common black ant, that paragon of industry and cleanliness, possesses within its modest frame the capacity to produce formic acid at will - a substance of such potent antimicrobial properties that no virus, bacterium, or fungus dare establish residence within an ant colony. Consider the elegance of this arrangement: each individual serves as both citizen and sanitation department, requiring no external infrastructure for the maintenance of perfect hygiene.
How different might our recent trials have been had each human possessed similar capabilities! No need for frantic hand-washing, no queues at chemist shops for scarce disinfectants, no masks to fog our spectacles or muffle our discourse. Each citizen would constitute a walking zone of sterility, proof against contagion by virtue of their very exhalations.
The formic acid retrofit would require modification of the sebaceous glands to produce this beneficial compound rather than the largely useless oils they currently secrete. A simple matter of genetic adjustment, introducing the necessary metabolic pathways already perfected by millions of years of ant evolution.
Side benefits would include the elimination of acne (what bacterium could survive in a formic acid environment?), the natural preservation of food through contact with enhanced human skin, and the delightful vinegar-like aroma that would indicate to all one's level of internal cleanliness.
Chapter II: The Industrial Bleach Retrofit - A Solution to Microbial Tyranny
For those requiring more robust protection than formic acid alone can provide, I propose the introduction of hypochlorite-producing organs, modeled upon the defensive systems of certain marine creatures. This enhancement would render the individual capable of secreting bleach solution of variable concentration according to need.
Imagine the convenience! Soiled garments instantly whitened by contact with the enhanced citizen's perspiration. Kitchen surfaces sterilized merely by the cook's presence. Swimming pools requiring no chemical additives save those provided by the bathers themselves.
The chlorine-enhanced human would eliminate entire industries overnight: no more expensive cleaning products, no more laundry difficulties, no more concern about food contamination. Each person becomes their own chemical plant, producing precisely the sanitizing agents required for their circumstances.
Naturally, certain social adjustments would be required. Intimate relations would necessitate careful pH monitoring, and the enhanced citizen would need to avoid prolonged contact with colored fabrics. But these are minor inconveniences compared to the security of knowing that no pathogen could survive in one's immediate vicinity.
Chapter III: The Genetic Engineering Program - Practical Considerations Across Generations
The implementation of such improvements naturally requires a systematic approach across multiple generations, as these beneficial traits cannot be introduced overnight without risking certain... developmental irregularities.
Initial attempts at rapid gene integration have produced subjects with admirable chemical production capabilities but unfortunate physical complications. The first generation showed promising results, though several subjects developed additional limbs - not entirely unwelcome, as the extra appendages proved useful for various domestic tasks, though clothing manufacturers were slow to adapt their designs.
More challenging were those born with modified cranial structures resembling our ant benefactors. While their formic acid production exceeded all expectations, social integration proved difficult. Dating, in particular, presented obstacles - the mandibles, whilst excellent for food processing, rendered traditional expressions of affection somewhat hazardous. Kissing required extensive protective equipment and considerable patience from romantic partners.
One subject, whom we designated Patient Alpha-6, developed the remarkable ability to communicate through pheromone release, eliminating the need for verbal discourse entirely. Unfortunately, this proved disconcerting to unenhanced humans, who found themselves inexplicably following Alpha-6 about in orderly formations, apparently responding to chemical commands they could not consciously detect.
The second generation showed improvements in physical presentation whilst maintaining chemical capabilities. However, several subjects manifested compound eyes, providing excellent motion detection but causing considerable distress at social gatherings. The enhanced visual acuity proved advantageous for detailed work, though reading became impossible without specially designed typography.
By the third generation, we expect to achieve the optimal balance: full chemical production capacity housed within acceptably human-appearing forms. Minor irregularities may persist - perhaps an extra finger or two, occasional antenna-like protrusions from the scalp - but these seem small prices to pay for immunity to all known pathogens.
Chapter IV: Social Implications of the Enhanced Citizenry
The widespread adoption of chemical enhancement would necessitate certain modifications to existing social structures. Traditional restaurants would require updating, as enhanced patrons would naturally sterilize any surface they contacted, potentially affecting the flavor profiles of delicate cuisines.
Public transportation would benefit enormously, as the mere presence of enhanced citizens would eliminate the possibility of disease transmission. However, vehicle interiors would require more frequent replacement due to the corrosive effects of passenger secretions on metal fixtures.
Marriage contracts would need revision to account for chemical compatibility between partners. Romantic compatibility assessments would necessarily include pH testing and formic acid tolerance evaluations. Wedding ceremonies might require ventilation systems to prevent guest discomfort from the combined chemical emissions of celebrants.
The legal system would face interesting challenges. Could enhanced citizens be held liable for chemical damage to property? Would their natural antimicrobial emissions constitute assault in certain circumstances? New categories of civil law would emerge to address these novel situations.
Employment opportunities would expand significantly. Enhanced citizens would be invaluable in healthcare, food service, and cleaning industries. However, certain professions - wine-making, cheese aging, bread baking - would require careful consideration, as the enhanced worker's natural sterility might interfere with beneficial fermentation processes.
Chapter V: Economic Benefits of Universal Enhancement
The financial advantages of widespread chemical enhancement cannot be overstated. The immediate elimination of the cleaning products industry would free considerable capital for more productive enterprises. Hospital infection control costs would vanish overnight, as enhanced medical staff would constitute walking sterilization units.
Food preservation would be revolutionized. Enhanced kitchen workers would naturally prevent spoilage, extending shelf life indefinitely. Refrigeration requirements would diminish, saving vast amounts of energy currently wasted on maintaining cold chains.
The pharmaceutical industry would face significant disruption, as enhanced citizens would require no antibiotics, antiseptics, or antimicrobial medications. However, new markets would emerge in pH balancing supplements and chemical neutralization products for those occasions when enhanced secretions proved excessive.
Tourism would benefit as enhanced travelers would pose no disease risk to local populations, eliminating quarantine requirements and health documentation. Enhanced citizens could visit any climate or region without fear of local pathogens, opening previously dangerous destinations to recreational travel.
Insurance costs would plummet as disease-related claims became impossible. Life expectancy would increase dramatically, though pension systems would require restructuring to account for the enhanced longevity of chemically protected citizens.
Chapter VI: Implementation Timeline and Methodology
Phase One (Years 1-5): Initial genetic modifications focusing on formic acid production in volunteer subjects. Careful monitoring for unexpected side effects, particularly additional appendage development and cranial irregularities.
Phase Two (Years 6-15): Refinement of genetic templates based on first-generation results. Introduction of hypochlorite production capabilities in selected subjects. Development of social protocols for enhanced citizen integration.
Phase Three (Years 16-30): Widespread implementation of proven enhancement packages. Establishment of compatibility testing centers for enhanced-unenhanced partnerships. Legal framework development for chemical enhancement issues.
Phase Four (Years 31-50): Universal enhancement of newborns. Gradual phase-out of traditional hygiene industries. Complete restructuring of medical practice around chemically enhanced physiology.
Phase Five (Years 51+): Full implementation achieved. Traditional unenhanced humans become curiosities maintained in preservation facilities for historical study. Society achieves perfect chemical harmony.
Conclusion
What I have outlined here represents not mere speculation, but the inevitable next step in human evolution. The recent pandemic demonstrated conclusively our vulnerability to microscopic adversaries. We can no longer afford to rely upon external defenses when internal protection beckons.
The temporary inconveniences of transition - the occasional extra limb, the modified facial features, the social adjustments required for chemical compatibility - pale beside the permanent benefits of pathogen immunity. Our ant teachers have shown us the way; we need only the courage to follow their example.
Future generations will thank us for our foresight in eliminating disease forever through the simple expedient of transforming ourselves into walking chemical factories. That some may find our enhanced descendants somewhat... unusual in appearance seems a small price to pay for the conquest of all human illness.
Let those who would preserve humanity in its current, vulnerable form consider whether their aesthetic preferences justify condemning their children to lives of infectious disease, chemical dependency, and microbial terror. Progress demands sacrifice, and what nobler sacrifice than our current, imperfect forms in service of our enhanced, imperishable future?
Written in the Year of Our Lord 2025, in anticipation of humanity's chemical renaissance
[End of Treatise]